Everybody's Getting Married

Well, not actually.

I mean, your sister is getting married, and thats exciting, but besides her and a few folks who I went to school with at one time nobody close to us is getting married.

But OH MAN I really want that day. So bad.

It probably doesn't help that I've been working with a wedding coordinating company on and off since last summer, but still.

I know that you're much more focused on moving in together, which is also a huge exciting step that (as you keep reminding me), is going to happen way before any sort of engagement/marriage will.

And of course, I don't want to take away from that big step. But I don't know, maybe its because I'm a girl, maybe it's because Say Yes To the Dress has been a television show since my teens thats on essentially every day; for whatever reason, I really want to experience that day where I become forever joined with you, in every sense of the word.

Wow it's been a while

So I haven't posted on this blog in over two years. To be honest, I had kind of forgotten that this blog existed.

We're almost at our four year anniversary, of which over half of that has been long distance. It's crazy for me to think that we've been together that long, but at the same time it feels like I've known you forever.

We've definitely had our ups and downs, as I'm sure you can attest to. Days where we were angry, jealous, and sad are not new, what with school, work and friends constantly getting in the way of time that could be spent together.

I don't know where I was going with this post, so for now I'm just going to stop here. I hope that you've had as much fun over the past four years as I have, and that we can last at least another 40.

Love ya <3

sad.

So yesterday I stayed up with you until 2am my time just texting with you because I knew you were stressed and I was hoping to make you feel a bit better. I actually had wanted to skype but the minute I noticed you were upset I changed my mind and decided not to bring it up. I didn't want to make you more upset with tears.

I feel like I'm really selfish. Like, all the time. For most of the conversation it felt like I just kept saying "I'm sorry I can't make you feel better" or "I'm sorry that lifes being a bitch right now" even though you're the one who's stressed out and I didn't want to take away from your venting time.

This is the worst blogpost I have ever seen but hopefully it somewhat describes my brain better because sometimes I just don't know how it works.

I feel like I'm holding you back. You have all these amazing plans and ideas (even if you can't see it that way) and sometimes I think having me be far away isn't helping the situation. It just makes us both frustrated and sad, and I definitely don't want to make you feel that way.

Sometimes I think it would be better for you if we just broke up, that way you would have one less worry to deal with, and then maybe you could find a girl where you are who your parents actually like and will make you eternally happy.

Come Home.

We're about three months in now, not too shabby in my opinion. Three months of not seeing each other, of you going to Europe for vacation, and of staying together somehow. Honestly I don't know how we do it sometimes, it just seems crazy to me.

As much as I'm happy that we've been able to get this far, I have to admit I'm worried about how long we'll be able to last without seeing each other. Your parents are visiting for two weeks (!!) and you aren't coming at all during that time. I mean really? You could make one day of work disappear to come and visit for three or four days? I know you have a pet but there are other people who could look after her for a few days. I mean, take me for example, I have never had a pet in my life and I'm going to be looking after 3 dogs for 3 weeks.

I know this sounds kind of harsh, but I just really miss having you actually here. Skype is nice but it isn't nearly the same thing as having you here with me. I want you home.

And I know you want me to come out and visit you, which I would really like, however we both know my parents wouldn't exactly be super stoked about that one. Regardless, hopefully one of us can visit during christmas-break time, and hopefully we can have a bit of time alone. Or a lot. A lot works for me too.

Okay so I don't exactly know how to say this without sounding like some sort of whore but I really want to lose my virginity to you the next time we actually see each other face to face. Now this is something that I haven't told you yet because I'm kinda very nervous about the whole "having sex" thing, plus it seems like whenever I tell you about some event or whatever that I want to do with you it all ends up falling apart anyways, so why say anything if it isn't going to go they way I wanted?

Plus, kinda need to get a doctor first. Birth control is always a good thing.

In a land far, far, away...

Today marks you being in Germany for about a week. Where in Germany, I honestly have no idea. And I really really miss you. Like a lot. Not that I don't miss you anyways but hopefully you know what I mean.

Last night I went out to a country bar with a few friends (which I would've told you but not really talking because no cell phones...I hate being on the other side of this, don't know how you did it last year) and I actually had a lot of fun. I wasn't feeling great for some reason so I didn't have all that much to drink, but I still had a blast until near the end.

So to fill you in on what happened "near the end", a couple of the girls I went with decided they wanted McDicks, which is cool, so three of us took a cab to the McDonalds closest to their place. Just as we arrived, these two guys (who had been at the same bar) and they started chatting us up. Blah blah blah, I was cold and ready to go home, the others were drunk and 'making friends', so the one girls sister came to pick us up. Instead of taking us home, the guys took us to see their truck (which is apparently very exciting. I disagree. I wanted to go home.) So I'm sitting in my friends car, all the rest of them are sitting in this truck, aaaaaaaand they drive away.

...yeah. That actually happened. They just left me in their car, all by myself, at 3am, and my phone was dying. Needless to say I am still extremely unimpressed with this.

The reason that I'm telling this story though is because in those moments at the bar, at McDonalds, and sitting in the car by myself, I couldn't stop checking my phone, trying to figure out what time it was where you are, and hoping that you might send me a message.

Also something that you might find funny (I say 'might' because it involved some guy hitting on me), as this guy was hitting on me I told him that I was taken. He asked where my ring was and when I told him I'd left it at home, he thought I meant I left my wedding ring at home and that I was already married. I of course had to play along! He proceeded to ask me how long I'd been married (I said a year and a half :P ) and he was just so in awe that I was married so young. It made me smile knowing that within the lie of actually being married there were a lot of truths, like being together a year and a half, and leaving my ring at home because I didn't want to lose it.

This was a really long post, one that again you will most likely never read because I'm waaaay to afraid to show this blog to you in case it makes you upset, and thats the last thing I want.

I hate fighting

Especially when it's not even really fighting. It's more like "I feel bad for making you feel bad."

Since I don't feel like I can just leave it there, I think some back story is necessary;
So the other night I went out with a couple of my girlfriends to a bar. One friend wasn't drinking at all, one holds her alcohol insanely well and then my last friend and I maybe had a bit too much. But it was okay, we had people watching over us and we were watching out for each other and all that. Next day: hungover, not feeling well at all, my monthly friend came to visit (TMI BUT I DONT CARE KTHXBAI) and so I was not having a good day.

So I started to text you and such and you were...unimpressed. We talked on skype and you remained unimpressed. We texted some more and (you guessed it) more unimpressed, which is fine. I was drunk, you weren't there, you didn't know what was going on.

But I feel like because you weren't there you aren't trusting me. Which I don't get. I try to be very trusting of you, whatever you wanna go out and do I try to be supportive and such. But when I go out with my girls and not you and have one too many, you get all stressed and freak out.

What exactly do you think I was planning on doing at that club?

I just don't get it.

After this post I'm really not sure if I should ever show you this blog...

One week down, a bunch more to go

It's officially been one week since I last saw you. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I've only cried once since you moved. I feel kinda bad about it actually, the fact that I haven't cried more, because it seems like all of our friends who are in long distance relationships weren't able to function properly for the first little while when their significant others first left. I would love to ask you what you think about this, but I don't know if I want you reading this blog yet. I like being able to write what I want without having to worry about making you feel bad about leaving, because we both know it was something that you needed to do. I'm sure eventually I'll show you this, maybe when I see you next, maybe at Christmas time, maybe never. Who knows? Regardless, I'm still missing you like crazy, wishing you were here to help me deal with the insanity that is my life. I guess thats all for today.